The Lusty Vegan: The Four-Legged C*ck Block

"What'cha guys doing up there?"

So here’s a weird confession: Ever since I adopted a dog back in December, my sex life has been dwindling. Since my manslice and I live in a studio space, our pup is within an arm’s reach at all times. We started off sleeping him in a crate, and there’s nothing sexy about doing—well, anything–while a melody of soft whimpers runs continuously in the background. Not exactly mood music. So sex was stalled out temporarily.

We figured as he got older, the pup would mellow out a bit, which did happen. Now that he can snooze through the night, he has graduated to the floor, and he sleeps pretty soundly—until any hint of activity reaches his (adorable) ear-range.

We tried to ignore him for a while, but ever since the awkward time he started gently tonguing my foot while I held down bottom, well, sex has been infrequent. Or silent. Or hurried. It feels like high school. We’re stealing away to fellate in the bathroom or having hushed, rushed, bottom lip biting sessions because our parents are sleeping down the hall. Except it’s not our parents, it’s our dog.

This is absolutely ridiculous. But I know I’m not alone.

A friend of mine has told me stories about locking her dog out of her bedroom while she has sex, only to be barraged by a symphony of howls the entire time. Another friend talked about how his girlfriend’s gigantic Shepard jumped onto the bed mid 69 sesh. And then I remember when my ex boyfriend nick-named my cat “cock block,” because he insisted on either sleeping in my bed or yowling at the bedroom door. The cat, not the boyfriend. Well okay maybe both.

We’ve recently moved to a place with a fenced-in yard, and I’m pretty stoked to be able to toss the dog outside If I want to come without an audience.

So tell me if your pets stay in the room while you get down? Does your cat sit and watch angrily on the radiator? How do you remedy this situation?

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